How Did I Not Know I Had ADHD? 678 Thoughts During a Massage

How My ADHD Blog Ideas Actually Begin

A client recently asked me:

“How do you think of what to write about in your blogs?”

The honest answer is that I don’t.

I don’t sit at a desk with a beautifully organised content calendar, a colour-coded notebook and twelve carefully planned blog titles.

Mainly because owning a colour-coded notebook and consistently using it are two very different things. Although my intentions are great, I tend not to look at such items again and then forget that I even own them.

Something just happens.

It triggers a thought, a realisation or a reflection, and somewhere in the middle of it my brain announces:

“Oh, I’m writing a blog about this.”

Usually before I have finished experiencing the actual thing.

Today was one of those days.

The Lymphatic Drainage Massage That Was Supposed to Quiet My Mind

Today, I tried a lymphatic drainage massage.

I had seen a post about it on social media and, naturally, decided I needed the treatment as soon as humanly possible.

No research spiral.

No waiting to consider it.

Just:

That looks good.
I need it.
Booked.

I had gone from mildly interested to financially committed in approximately eleven seconds.

A very calm and measured response.

I arrived and entered a lovely, peaceful room. It smelled beautiful, the temperature was perfect and relaxing music was playing softly in the background.

The therapist explained the treatment, encouraged me to relax and then got started.

And that was when I noticed it.

The constant chatter inside my head.

Not gentle, relaxing chatter.

More like forty-seven browser tabs open at once, three playing music, one buffering and another asking whether I had replied to a message from Sunday.

In the space of sixty minutes, I must have had approximately 678 thoughts.

That is probably a conservative estimate.

What Does a Neurotypical Brain Do When It Relaxes?

One of my first thoughts was:

What does it feel like inside a neurotypical person’s head when they are trying to relax?

Is it quiet?

Is there nothing there?

Do they simply listen to the music?

Do they think, “This is nice,” and then continue thinking about absolutely nothing?

I have questions.

I used to believe everyone had a constant internal conversation running in their head.

Apparently, some people can lie down and relax without reviewing their entire life, planning dinner, analysing their personality and remembering an email they forgot to send in 2019.

Who knew?

Certainly not me.

678 Thoughts in 60 Minutes: Inside My ADHD Brain

My massage thoughts ranged from:

• What should I have for dinner?

• I wonder how long I have left?

• Am I breathing too loudly?

• Where am I supposed to put my arms?

• I might go and see my mum after this.

• I need to reply to my friend’s voice note from Sunday.

• Was I meant to bring something with me today?

• I wonder whether I am relaxing properly.

• Does she know I am not actually relaxed?

• I should definitely start meditating.

• This is why I don’t meditate.

• I should book this again next month.

• How did I never realise I had ADHD?

The therapist had mentioned that the body can carry experiences, emotions and stress.

That sent my brain off in another direction entirely.

I started thinking about past trauma. I noticed that I didn’t feel particularly emotional while thinking about some of the things I had experienced.

Then, naturally, I began analysing that too.

Was I dissociating?

Had I healed?

What does healing actually mean?

Do we ever fully heal from trauma?

Maybe healing is not about forgetting what happened. Maybe it is about doing enough work that our experiences no longer control, define or overpower us.

And there it was.

Another future blog had been created during the current blog.

How Did I Not Know I Had ADHD?

The thought that stayed with me was:

How did I never realise that I had ADHD?

This voice in my head has not suddenly appeared.

It has always been there.

The constant analysing, questioning, rehearsing, remembering, forgetting, planning and reflecting has always been part of my normal.

I did not know that other people’s brains could work differently because I had never experienced anything other than my own.

For many late-diagnosed adults, particularly women with ADHD, this level of mental activity has been present for so long that it simply feels normal.

Our brains are constantly busy.

We analyse what we are doing while we are doing it.

We replay what we have already done.

We anticipate what might happen next.

We question ourselves:

Was I professional enough?

Did I talk too much?

Was I too quiet?

Did I interrupt?

Was I too much?

Was I not enough?

Did that person’s facial expression change?

Are they annoyed with me?

Did I remember to lock the door?

What was I doing before I started thinking about the door?

And then we wonder why we are exhausted.

ADHD Mental Chatter and Constant Overthinking

ADHD mental chatter can feel relentless.

Even during moments that are meant to be peaceful, the ADHD brain may still be analysing, planning, remembering, questioning and trying to solve problems that nobody asked it to solve.

Overthinking with ADHD is not always obvious from the outside.

Someone may appear calm, still and completely relaxed while internally they are reviewing a conversation from three days ago, mentally reorganising the kitchen and wondering whether penguins have knees.

It can be funny.

It can also be exhausting.

Sometimes, we do not realise how much energy our thoughts are using until we finally stop moving.

Our bodies may be resting, but our minds are still working overtime.

Why the ADHD Brain Rarely Clocks Off

ADHD can feel like having a brain that never officially finishes its shift.

Even when our bodies stop, our thoughts may keep going.

We can feel completely worn out but struggle to sleep.

We can become burnt out and then criticise ourselves for not being more productive.

We can forget things because our minds are already carrying too much, only to give ourselves a hard time for being forgetful.

And the constant mental chatter is only one part of living with ADHD.

There can also be:

• Executive functioning difficulties that make simple tasks feel enormous

• Time blindness

• Impulsive decisions

• Emotional highs and lows

• Losing things you had two minutes ago

• Dropping things

• Walking into a room and forgetting why

• Starting five jobs and finishing half of one

• Feeling overwhelmed by tasks other people describe as “easy”

• Struggling terribly when hormones fluctuate

• Feeling as though we are always trying to be understood, accepted or viewed as capable

It is a lot.

Far more than other people can see simply by looking at us.

Sometimes, we cannot even see how much we are carrying ourselves.

We just know we are tired.

The Hidden Exhaustion of Living With ADHD

The hidden exhaustion of adult ADHD is not always caused by how much we physically do.

It can come from everything happening in the background.

The constant reminders.

The unfinished tasks.

The emotional regulation.

The masking.

The effort involved in appearing organised when your brain feels anything but organised.

The fear of forgetting something important.

The energy used trying to start a task, switch between tasks or stop doing something once hyperfocus has taken over.

ADHD burnout can build quietly.

We may continue functioning, caring for other people and meeting responsibilities while feeling completely depleted inside.

Then we criticise ourselves because other people seem to manage things more easily.

But we are not working with the same nervous system, the same experiences or the same internal workload.

“Aye, It Was Lovely”: The Very Short Version

When I arrived home, I was asked:

“How was your massage?”

I replied:

“Aye, it was lovely.”

That was it.

After spending an hour internally exploring neurodivergence, trauma, healing, dinner, friendships, family plans, forgotten messages and the meaning of life, I was too tired to explain.

I also could not be bothered.

I wonder why.

Anyway, I have booked another massage for next week.

Perhaps this time I will relax.

Perhaps I will have another 678 thoughts.

Perhaps I will come home with four more blog ideas and still no clue what I am having for dinner.

You Are Doing Better Than You Think

The next time you are tempted to give yourself a hard time, pause for a moment.

Think about everything your brain is managing that nobody else can see.

Think about the thoughts, emotions, reminders, decisions, worries and responsibilities you are carrying in the background.

Think about how much effort it can take to do things that other people may experience as simple.

You are not lazy.

You are not failing.

You are not broken.

You may simply be working much harder than anyone else realises.

And despite the mental noise, the forgotten messages, the lost keys, the overwhelm and the occasional decision to book a treatment immediately after seeing it on social media, you are still here.

Still trying.

Still learning.

Still growing.

Still managing more than you give yourself credit for.

You are doing bloody amazing.

You are enough.

Your struggles make sense.

Sometimes, we simply need more understanding, more compassion and far less judgement.

You matter.